Hello once again Blogger.

 

I’m back.

 

It was such a shock after working so hard for so long that I found myself back at what seemed like square one of recovery. Relapse/a breakdown of sorts was not on my itinerary – but there I was, having to find everything inch of strength I had to fight…again. I don’t think I will ever question the sheer power of an ED and what it can do if it somehow kicks back in again.  No matter how strong and well I become, triggers are STILL triggers and can cause havoc if you are not mindful of their danger. 

 

BUT, drumroll please...

 

I am feeling much better. I have worked hard to find my footing again and I learnt so much. Lessons perhaps I didn’t want to learn but really needed to.

Internally I have processed a great deal and am finding my spirit is evolving back once more.

I am feeling better again and this seems like a victory to be to be able to write those words. 

Learning Opportunities

I didn’t think it was possible for me to relapse until I did just that recently.

I  didn’t realize it was happening until I hit the ground – CRASH! BOOM! BANG!

The overall feeling I had about this was occurrence was shame.

I was so deeply ashamed that I did not have the foresight to not allow myself to be triggered.  

It wasn’t a complete fall back into behaviours such as not eating enough or exercising to excess but rather a gradual internal shut down.  The trigger, a specific person in my case, brought on such profound emptiness and my smile faded all over again. I went from being the most together I have been in years to  a complete mess.

I spoke to a dear friend of mine who encouraged me to see it all as valuable learning experience in taking better care of myself into the future.  The only way for me to stay well and happy is not be around anything that causes me to feel  ill and sad.  

I plan to do just that from now on because I don't ever want to feel like I have over the past 9 months.

“Recovery can be painful. It feels as though I’ve woken from being in a coma for the past 10 years. Now I’m here. Stuck in the middle of a life that doesn’t feel like mine, freaking out about everything I missed while I was sleeping.”

Finally a Butterfly

 

An eating disorder can be a detachment from your heart, mind and soul - the illness can take you so far away from yourself.

 

Recovery involves reuniting with all these parts of yourself and most crucially, learning to love them unconditionally.

I got much better and then crashed into an identity crisis before slowly evolving into myself once more.  

It’s been a chaotic yet necessary few years.  

I actually have my life back, with dreams, hobbies and relationships.

I am learning to love who I am.

I am getting there.

 

#recovery #soblessed

It Was a Very Merry Christmas

I’ve been ill with colds for some time before the Christmas break so it was a welcome relief to bounce back to health and enjoy the festive season. My work gave me a few days off so I could head home.

 

In Australia it is always the middle of summer when December 25^th comes around and I love reading about fellow bloggers experiences of winter Christmases.  I would love to experience a white Christmas some day and exchange beaches, ice-cream and barbeques for fireplaces, eggnog and snow! It all looks so amazing! One day, one day!

My Christmas was super lovely spent with my most treasured loved ones and a cute little kitty.

George the cat in his Santa hat

 

Mum's impressive fish pond Christmas light show (hehe!)

 

 My gorgeous great Aunty Jude

 

 

My mum brought me this ‘France Pig’.  

 

In 2015 I hope to:

Save more money

 

Update my employment

 

Keep creating with flowers – I love floristry so much

 

Have peace, health, love, joy, freedom 

LIVE  ♥

Go Away Cold!

It is a little tough getting sick with two colds in the space of just a month and a half.

 

I lose too much weight when I get sick and start looking terrible. 

 

Yesterday I stayed in my comfy bed all day and could not move.

 

But I am ready for my cold to leave so I can enjoy Summer a little more.

 

I also want to keep making pictures with flowers and have started following many inspiring floral artists on Instagram.

 

In short, I don't have time for a cold...

One of my first attempts of floral art (fun!)

 

 

Me, a little worse for wear lately

 

♥♥♥

Just Live

A Lovely Reminder

Interrupt Anxiety with Gratitude

Anxiety. It can present itself every now and again.

 

I seem to express and manage with this the ‘modern way’ buy changing my photographs on social media in a panicked state.

I remember this feeling of anxiety and I try to reassure myself that I am NOT back there again (sick) but am not always entirely convinced of this in the moment that it occurs.

 

So I lose myself to dread and terror! Oh the dread! Oh the terror!

 

I have noticed a pattern whereby every few months I have a day or two of the same alarming emotions.  Where I can go from feeling wonderfully confident and optimistic to soul-crushing self-doubt in just a few minutes flat.

But once the cloud lifts (usually the next day after I have had some sleep and hopefully stayed off social media) I feel stronger than before. I feel anew, almost like my anxiety is one of the last elements of my illness leaving me once and for all.

And this is a good and most welcome thing.

My Heart is Open and I Can Finally Breathe!

 

 

It is in entirely different place that I initially planned/expected for myself and my life that I have found myself the most.

 

Over the past few years I have been in a job that’s not my ideal (and didn’t spend years studying for) and have lived in place so far removed from what I thought I most wanted to be.

 

I have learned that when you are entirely out of your comfort zone (and disconnect from all the otherwise superficial elements of living) you have only yourself to fall back on upon.  

 

And it’s in this very dynamic that I have evolved back into my true self – eating disorder less and less included.

 

I become a little reflective around birthdays and always seem to find myself on this blog of mine. This year is no exception to the rule:

I feel worlds away from where I once was and I more myself than I have in years.

It’s an incredible feeling to be in the place I am currently, and admittedly a little daunting, but mostly, the word emancipation comes to mind.

 

Emancipation-

 

1. The act of freeing or state of being freed; liberation

2. Freedom from inhibition and convention

 

My eating disorder has been a terrifying struggle, but now what was once my greatest breakdown and despair is now my most profound source of strength and pride because I ultimately won the battle.  I am one strong little cookie – there is no doubt about this.  This strength now serves me in my present life and will do so  well into the future.

The next chapter of my life is here and I have my bags pack, new shoes on and a flower in my hair.

So very blessed! #31

Regaining Your Self

This book is extraordinary. The chapters are very relatable and the author gives readers practical exercises to do also.   I had to post it here as I highly recommend it!

Mirror Mirror

Please lay your eyes on my gorgeous butterfly mirror! I will have the whole piece covered with these beautiful winged creatures in no time.

 

It is easy for others whom have experienced an eating disorder to understand the sheer terror that your reflection can evoke. Having said that I made my bedroom mirror so so so lovely that there is no terror, only joy, love, colour and hope - little butterflies.

Letting Go

I could not completely grasp just how weighed down I was by the past until I reached the point of  truly changing and growing.

It is not easy letting it all go. 

 

But I have to and I really deserve to.

 

Letting go is a matter of  self-responsibility.

 

Strength I

need you now.

Let it Be & Watch it Come

My thoughts have been on other things other than recovery at an increasingly fast rate.

 

I am sure that 'issues' will come up for me from time to time, but right now I am overwhelmed by life and my identity pulsating through me at a million miles an hour.

 

Its exhilarating and frightening all at the time

 

So many options, so many aspirations.

 

So much to do, see and become.

 

So much more outside the cage.

 

The cage is behind me.

 

The cage has no hold on me.

 

And I have to remind myself to breathe a little.

 

Take a step back and rest.

 

Try not to take so many things on immediately to make up for lost time.

 

Instead of analysing my progress, let it be and watch it come.

 

Its coming.

 

I feel it everyday embracing me with all its splendour.

Blessed ♥

An Australian Eating Disorders/Recovery support organisation recently made a heartfelt tribute to a young woman who died from an ED.

 

To see this reality (and that people do in fact die from such an illness) strangely put me in a degree of shock.

 

Although I do remember walking that fine line between death and life with my own ED, my path thankfully changed and I recovered.

 

But sadly and heartbreakingly so, not all of us make to the other side.  

 

It is a fact that EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and it is therefore important to recognize just what a magnificent feat it is to have made it through even if this means still working through the ever-changing waves of recovery.

 

I have felt at times rather silly with regards to the things I think, feel and deal with today at this point in my journey to wellness, however recovery in all its ups and downs is a blessing unfortunately not bestowed upon all of us.

 

In moments of despair, frustration, loneliness etc... its vital to remember just how lucky you are to still be here at all and to be so grateful.

Looking beautiful and feeling beautiful are two entirely different things.

 

You see you can wear the prettiest of dresses and shoes

and have the most ravishing hair and make-up

 

which bring a million compliments from kind-hearted people that do temporarily help.

 

"Ky, you are so beautiful. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

 

Thank-you so much for saying so.

 

 I take these words from others and hold onto them like my life depends on it

 - because at times it seems it does.

 

But in the end I am left with that feeling,

 

of not feeling beautiful.

 

And fixing the reasons behind why I don't seems impossible.

 

And working on this is recovery.

 

And at times slight relapse.

 

But most of all recovery.

 

Recovery.

 

New Wings Can Be Lonely In The Beginning

I once had a degree of naivety when it came to my own struggle.  I believed that as soon as I reached a certain weight my life would fall into its rightful place.  I eventually found that I was mistaken. But it’s the ‘living again’ part and adjusting to ‘butterfliness’ that is ones truest test of strength and determination.  If it wasn’t for some of my friends particularly from the blogging community the loneliness and isolation would have been unbearable. I’ve really needed this place to write and to interact with others. It really saved me from myself during many nights of tears and frustration. I am truly so very grateful. Thankfully the seasons change and it all gets easier and much better.  Thankfully the hard parts don’t last forever. And thankfully, I've had so many people touch my life and inspire me to  keep trying and never give up.

Metamorphosis ♥