Hello once again Blogger.

 

I’m back.

 

It was such a shock after working so hard for so long that I found myself back at what seemed like square one of recovery. Relapse/a breakdown of sorts was not on my itinerary – but there I was, having to find everything inch of strength I had to fight…again. I don’t think I will ever question the sheer power of an ED and what it can do if it somehow kicks back in again.  No matter how strong and well I become, triggers are STILL triggers and can cause havoc if you are not mindful of their danger. 

 

BUT, drumroll please...

 

I am feeling much better. I have worked hard to find my footing again and I learnt so much. Lessons perhaps I didn’t want to learn but really needed to.

Internally I have processed a great deal and am finding my spirit is evolving back once more.

I am feeling better again and this seems like a victory to be to be able to write those words. 

Finally a Butterfly

 

An eating disorder can be a detachment from your heart, mind and soul - the illness can take you so far away from yourself.

 

Recovery involves reuniting with all these parts of yourself and most crucially, learning to love them unconditionally.

I got much better and then crashed into an identity crisis before slowly evolving into myself once more.  

It’s been a chaotic yet necessary few years.  

I actually have my life back, with dreams, hobbies and relationships.

I am learning to love who I am.

I am getting there.

 

#recovery #soblessed

Regaining Your Self

This book is extraordinary. The chapters are very relatable and the author gives readers practical exercises to do also.   I had to post it here as I highly recommend it!

Let it Be & Watch it Come

My thoughts have been on other things other than recovery at an increasingly fast rate.

 

I am sure that 'issues' will come up for me from time to time, but right now I am overwhelmed by life and my identity pulsating through me at a million miles an hour.

 

Its exhilarating and frightening all at the time

 

So many options, so many aspirations.

 

So much to do, see and become.

 

So much more outside the cage.

 

The cage is behind me.

 

The cage has no hold on me.

 

And I have to remind myself to breathe a little.

 

Take a step back and rest.

 

Try not to take so many things on immediately to make up for lost time.

 

Instead of analysing my progress, let it be and watch it come.

 

Its coming.

 

I feel it everyday embracing me with all its splendour.

Blessed ♥

An Australian Eating Disorders/Recovery support organisation recently made a heartfelt tribute to a young woman who died from an ED.

 

To see this reality (and that people do in fact die from such an illness) strangely put me in a degree of shock.

 

Although I do remember walking that fine line between death and life with my own ED, my path thankfully changed and I recovered.

 

But sadly and heartbreakingly so, not all of us make to the other side.  

 

It is a fact that EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and it is therefore important to recognize just what a magnificent feat it is to have made it through even if this means still working through the ever-changing waves of recovery.

 

I have felt at times rather silly with regards to the things I think, feel and deal with today at this point in my journey to wellness, however recovery in all its ups and downs is a blessing unfortunately not bestowed upon all of us.

 

In moments of despair, frustration, loneliness etc... its vital to remember just how lucky you are to still be here at all and to be so grateful.

Looking beautiful and feeling beautiful are two entirely different things.

 

You see you can wear the prettiest of dresses and shoes

and have the most ravishing hair and make-up

 

which bring a million compliments from kind-hearted people that do temporarily help.

 

"Ky, you are so beautiful. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

 

Thank-you so much for saying so.

 

 I take these words from others and hold onto them like my life depends on it

 - because at times it seems it does.

 

But in the end I am left with that feeling,

 

of not feeling beautiful.

 

And fixing the reasons behind why I don't seems impossible.

 

And working on this is recovery.

 

And at times slight relapse.

 

But most of all recovery.

 

Recovery.

 

New Wings Can Be Lonely In The Beginning

I once had a degree of naivety when it came to my own struggle.  I believed that as soon as I reached a certain weight my life would fall into its rightful place.  I eventually found that I was mistaken. But it’s the ‘living again’ part and adjusting to ‘butterfliness’ that is ones truest test of strength and determination.  If it wasn’t for some of my friends particularly from the blogging community the loneliness and isolation would have been unbearable. I’ve really needed this place to write and to interact with others. It really saved me from myself during many nights of tears and frustration. I am truly so very grateful. Thankfully the seasons change and it all gets easier and much better.  Thankfully the hard parts don’t last forever. And thankfully, I've had so many people touch my life and inspire me to  keep trying and never give up.

I Repeat: Coffee is NOT Food!

New Year’s Resolution # 1

 

To stop drinking so much coffee!

I have a bad habit of drinking far too much coffee as opposed to eating at times.

This habit has almost become second nature to me over the years.

Who am I kidding – it IS second nature to me now.  

No more, no more!

Half Proud, Half Curiosity

Still in Bed Sick (Reading Under the Paw)

This book (written brilliantly by author Tom Cox) has been the first in which I have laughed out loud whist reading it. Best possible medicine whilst run down and confined to my bed :)

Will I be something?
Am I something?

 

And the answer comes:
You already are.
You always were.
And you still have time to be.

 

- Anis Mojgani

Hope

I used to question whether ‘full recovery' was truly conceivable for me.

 

I assessed my recovery by the lessoning influence that my ED had on myself and my life over time and yet still harboured a frightful sense of doubt that I may never be entirely well again.

As my life moved forward I became so much more recovered and yet I still had occasional days where I:

Struggled to eat enough as I should

Battled with body dissatisfaction

Heard the gloomy and irritating ED voice  

Became overwhelmed by memories and pain

Functioned terribly with no self-confidence

I wondered:

 “Is this what recovery is after all - a well-established practice of managing symptoms that would ultimately remain with me for the rest of my life always niggling in the background?”

Then my perspective changed and I simply could no longer accept nor entertain this reality for myself. I realised that by having this mindset of ‘recovery only by halves’, I was in fact short-changing myself and that by thinking in this matter was in effect, setting up only that outcome– a life of managing symptoms not eradicating and being free them for good.

I think hope is the one of the most important tools to possess, alongside unrelenting determination. If you decide to work hard enough in EDs opposition then it cannot and will no longer live on within you.  

Just like many of other amazing and inspiring people have done before, if you believe in your ability to reach full recovery then it IS possible and completely achievable.

This is all I want.

Your Heart...

Your Own Pace

You always come back to you

I turn thirty at the end of July. This month. Only so many days to go. Oh my.

 

Reclaiming an identity post eating disorder was a considerable battle for me and my late twenties have been spent trying to come to terms with my new life and who I am and what I want to do. I was often greatly ashamed of the impact that the bullying and my eating disorder had on me as a person. This shame caused me to create a shield that I used to keep people at a distance from me for some time.

Recovery comes in stages of course.  And the brilliant thing about recovery is that everything gets BETTER eventually. When the chaos of an ED is gone it is amazing how much breathing space you have to zone back into the real you.  And it is even more astounding how much room the real you has to re-emerge all by itself.

My Dad once said to me that “no matter what happens in life, you always come back to you.” I didn’t believe him initially because I thought there was nothing of myself anymore to come back to. My eating disorder killed me in every way except stopping my heart and it’s been a long journey back from there.

One of the most wonderful discoveries of my twenties has been the very thing I doubted the most during this time – an eating disorder didn’t kill all of me and I am still well and truly here, not half the person I was but rather a better and stronger version of me.

Grown

 

My dad has recently mastered the task of converting old video tapes to an DVD format. 

 

He sent me a video of me  singing at age 10 in the mail. It was a surprise in many ways.

 

The video made me laugh at first and it was strange to view my younger self in motion.

 

I was so happy, confident and so... undamaged. 

 

Then I became sad with the thought 'undamaged'.

 

Only a few years after this video was made, everything changed.

I changed and my life changed forever.

 

I cannot go back in time and become unaffected.

 

I cannot change the secret sufferings I endured nor how it came to shape me.

 

But I think this is most people's story in some way isn't it?

 

Experiences can bring pain but through it your learn and grow.

 

I have grown. ♥

New pages

 

Back in the day I used to write and type so so so many notes.  This is one that sends shivers down my spine and yet fills me with the uppermost sense of relief at the same time.

 

Thank heavens this is not how I think anymore and that this page is not my life anymore.

 

I am so blessed and grateful.

Pain is a funny emotion.

 

You can be living your life and be having many positive things going on and then all of a sudden it can hit you like a ton of bricks with no warning.

I was under the impression that my own personal emotional pain relating to my eating disorder is something that I have overcome and am done with and in many aspects I think I have.

For example, I have so many good days in comparison to the very few I used to have. I've grown so strong and I have come so far.

Yet sometimes the pain I feel about the experiences I had in the past  (heartbreak, betrayal, bullying etc) can creep up and remind me that perhaps I am not fully healed, not just yet that is.

I don’t believe this is a bad thing anymore and I think it is just me still processing everything and fighting my way through.

Continuing to overcome crap is my current status. Thank-you for allowing me to share this current dilemma Blogger. ♥

Tonight...my heart hurts.

 

That is all.

Notes