I turn thirty at the end of July. This month. Only so many days to go. Oh my.
Reclaiming an identity post eating disorder was a considerable battle for me and my late twenties have been spent trying to come to terms with my new life and who I am and what I want to do. I was often greatly ashamed of the impact that the bullying and my eating disorder had on me as a person. This shame caused me to create a shield that I used to keep people at a distance from me for some time.
Recovery comes in stages of course. And the brilliant thing about recovery is that everything gets BETTER eventually. When the chaos of an ED is gone it is amazing how much breathing space you have to zone back into the real you. And it is even more astounding how much room the real you has to re-emerge all by itself.
My Dad once said to me that “no matter what happens in life, you always come back to you.” I didn’t believe him initially because I thought there was nothing of myself anymore to come back to. My eating disorder killed me in every way except stopping my heart and it’s been a long journey back from there.
One of the most wonderful discoveries of my twenties has been the very thing I doubted the most during this time – an eating disorder didn’t kill all of me and I am still well and truly here, not half the person I was but rather a better and stronger version of me.