Sunday, 30 June 2013

You always come back to you

I turn thirty at the end of July. This month. Only so many days to go. Oh my.
Reclaiming an identity post eating disorder was a considerable battle for me and my late twenties have been spent trying to come to terms with my new life and who I am and what I want to do. I was often greatly ashamed of the impact that the bullying and my eating disorder had on me as a person. This shame caused me to create a shield that I used to keep people at a distance from me for some time.
Recovery comes in stages of course.  And the brilliant thing about recovery is that everything gets BETTER eventually. When the chaos of an ED is gone it is amazing how much breathing space you have to zone back into the real you.  And it is even more astounding how much room the real you has to re-emerge all by itself.
My Dad once said to me that “no matter what happens in life, you always come back to you.” I didn’t believe him initially because I thought there was nothing of myself anymore to come back to. My eating disorder killed me in every way except stopping my heart and it’s been a long journey back from there.
One of the most wonderful discoveries of my twenties has been the very thing I doubted the most during this time – an eating disorder didn’t kill all of me and I am still well and truly here, not half the person I was but rather a better and stronger version of me.


  1. My observation from afar is how beautiful a soul you are, Kylie-Rose. Not to mention brave, kind, compassionate... and I'm sure so much more as well. Congratulations on getting ready to welcome 30 with open arms for all the gifts you have to give and get in the future <3
    Now. Here. Life.

    1. Oh my dear thank-you for your sweet words.
      I appreciate them much more than you could know.

      Lot's of love xo

  2. I am so glad that you are still here. This world needs you!
    You are such a true beautiful soul and you always will be.

    I am so proud of you <3

    I love you always <3 xo

    1. Thanks Sil,

      You are a beautiful soul.



  3. I stressed so much about turning thirty. I am now thirty two and can honestly say my thirties have been the best time of my life so far - healthy and recovered, learning and growing and changing. It's easy to look back and regret how much of your life you wasted while struggling with an eating disorder, but my thirties changed my perspective - I'm looking at the world as if every opportunity is available to me (which it is!), with brand new eyes and a real hunger. It's the way my friends felt about the world when they were eighteen, nineteen, twenty, and going to University, getting into their first big relationships, travelling the world, and I was at home wearing a path between the bathroom and the kitchen.

    I am so grateful that you have come through, and hope your thirties are as wonderful for you as mine have so far been - you deserve every happiness xxx

    1. Thank-you Cheryl.

      Your words sound so familliar to me and I am truly grateful to hear that I am not alone. You speak with such admirable inner strength and I am so glad that your thirties have been the best time of your life so far. I too have came to the same realisation myself lately about this time in my life also. Life is just only just beginning.

      Much love xoxoxoxoxoxo