A field of flowers - not completely so.

I somehow envisioned my life would magically fall into place as soon as I had beaten the ED. I would be free and running through a field of flowers with the wind blowing against my hair. I truly saw this image as I drowned within my despair and hospital bed. "One day Kylie, you will be on the other side" I told myself. But here I am now - no flowers in sight. Just a very raw and at times hard to take reality. There is recovery and for sure it is divine, but there is also this hole in my soul and life where my development as an adolescent and young women was supposed to go. I am awkward and I often can’t look people in the eye as I don't yet/still have 'me' to embrace others with. Where do the recovered go at this point? My inkling is within and forward as always.