I always had a glamorized view of what recovery would be like when I reached it. I am the first to admit I wasn’t prepared for what I found when I finally got there. I had spent so many years fighting anorexia that by the time I did recover, all I knew was a life with anorexia. I no longer knew how to exist in the world when the need to fight was no longer so prominent. I had conquered the ED, but had lost myself and all that made me who I was completely (or so it seemed at the time).
I spent a lot of time by myself, reading books and writing, but still at the comfortable distance from everyone else so that I would not have to feel or show how my years of anorexia had shortchanged my development as a person. I was lost within a deep sense of emptiness for some time.
Thankfully, this stage was only temporary and a kind of inner adjustment began to occur where I could feel myself again and the void began to fill. Many things helped with this process, university, kind people, travel, knowledge, and evidently time. I am still putting the pieces of my identity together and have come to understand this as a final part of the recovery process as a whole. It is very empowering to rediscover who I am and humbling to find that perhaps some of the things I thought I had lost to an eating disorder were just hidden underneath and remained with me all along ♥