A journal is a place where you cannot lie, in fact it’s the only place were many of us feel comfortable to be 100% honest. I have found that a blog is almost the same yet differs in that I find myself editing certain posts I put on here. The first reason I do this is that on the Internet (as opposed to a diary) others may read what I write and I do not wish to sound too negative. The last thing in the world I want is for someone to read any of my posts and feel worse! The second reason I censor what I write is that I like to give the impression that I am often stronger than I really am at times.
I am immensely grateful for every happy and wonderful day I have these days (which is many) but sometimes I become almost strong enough to break and on occasion I do. Every so often what I really want to say is :“%^%$^&**#$@"! This recovery business of running up a hill can be really tough and maintaining momentum can take a lot out of me (as I am sure it does to others also). The reality of EDs is that they can endure – (and endure) and as a result you have to find and evoke resources within yourself that you never thought you had and eventually you can become really tired. The irony of this is that the more I truely conquer this disease the more tired I become in the process. So here I am approaching the New Year feeling hopeful and inspired but mostly worn out :)